My Story

I recently submitted this to someone who wanted to interview me based on my caregiving experiences. This is my story:

I moved in with my grandparents the month I started graduate school. It was a tough decision and I was slightly embarrassed to be in my early twenties, moving in with my grandparents. I decided to do that because I needed a place to live that wouldn’t cost much rent-wise and was close to my college. They welcomed me with open arms. It was actually kind of funny, when the three of us first began discussing the prospect of me moving in, my grandma said “Just come live with us” without first speaking with my grandpa. It’s a good thing he didn’t kick us both out! 🙂

I had never lived with them before and to be honest, hadn’t had much contact with them throughout my life. This isn’t their fault, or anyone’s fault really. My mother was a single parent providing for my brother and I and we lived place to place quite often. So when I moved in with them, the initial discomfort was there. I wasn’t sure how it was going to work out and many days I didn’t think it would. It took a while for us all to adjust to one another. Soon after though, a beautiful relationship developed between us three. I went from calling my grandmother  “Gerri”, to “Grandma Gerri”, to just “Grandma”. They were no longer just my grandparents, but also people who I grew a strong, deep love and appreciation for. My favorite part of the work day was coming home to watch CSI and The Waltons with them. I cracked up all the time because of their little debates and witty quips. My grandfather was notorious for saying such funny things. He was a quiet man with a strong sense of humor.

Three months after I graduated with my Masters and started working full-time, my grandmother was diagnosed with oral cancer and stage 4 lung cancer. From there the chemo treatments started, radiation, many trips to the doctor, and errands. Her heart broke, my grandpa’s heart broke, and mine did too. I questioned myself daily. I never knew if I was doing enough or doing it right. I wish someone could have prepared me for the amount of guilt caregivers experience. It truly is ironic, the ones who do most are the ones who feel least impactful.

 I was resentful all. the. time. I needed help but wasn’t too good at asking for it. When I did ask, it was provided by others on a very short-term basis. I remember feeling as if others had a mental checklist like: “went to visit this month…check”, “called to check-in this week…check”, etc. I ran out of annual leave from missing so much work that there was a time I went without pay in order to be there. I don’t want to come across as bitter because for the most part, now being out of the experience of caregiving, I see things differently and have more peace.

My grandpa did a lot to care for her too, yet struggled with some things due to his age. I often wondered if he felt I was stepping in too much. I know there were times when she felt that way. One time specifically she had asked for me not to go to an oncology appointment with her. I was shocked and hurt. Crying, I asked why she didn’t want me to go. She responded, “because when you do go, the doctor doesn’t speak to me, he speaks to you. He doesn’t look at me, he looks at you. I need him to speak to me and to hear me”. I see now that what she was begging for was independence and control. She needed to be heard. I can imagine she felt that others were shuffling around her making her major life decisions which is dehumanizing. 

So instead of my original plans to move out when I graduated, I stayed with my grandparents during this new season of life. I knew I had to be there because they needed me. I needed them. 

Seeing my grandma decline was the most difficult experience I’ve had in my life . I couldn’t process how someone I love so much was suffering so much, and there was nothing I could do but pray. So that is what I did, I prayed for the specific areas of her body to be healed. I spoke healing and restoration into her body. I fervently and desperately prayed that God would perform miracles, as He has undoubtedly done before. And then I sat with her, and tried to just be. I would try to let the racing thoughts and fears go just for a few moments of quality time with her. I would eat Lemon pound cake with her. Sing “In Christ Alone” with her. Dance on Christmas day. Plant in the Garden. All of these moments trump any hardship that I experienced in my caregiving. These are the moments that will live on.

My grandmother passed away March 18, 2013 in inpatient hospice. She stayed there three days before she passed. I didn’t think I could go on, but surprised myself that I survived it. Anticipatory grief is truly a cruel thing. I found myself grieving more during her life that when she passed. Honestly, when she passed, I felt relief that she was no longer in such turmoil and pain. Instead, I worried more about how my grandpa would make it without her.

So when my grandpa became a widower, I stayed a little longer to help him in the ways he needed. He was pretty self sufficient and did not require as much assistance. I felt enormous guilt about leaving my grandfather to move into my own home 8 months later. I knew I had to start my own life, but always questioned (and still do) if this was the right decision. My grandfather and I had Sunday gatherings each week. I would usually bring him lunch and we would spend time together. I would call and check in with him often. I would also go grocery shopping or pick up any prescriptions he needed. I’m so proud of my grandfather for living capably on his own the best he could. Last September, my grandfather passed away from a random hemorrhaging on the brain. The days and moments leading up to his death were extremely difficult. I grieved a lot and continue to mourn his passing.

I am forever indebted to the love my grandparents showed me. They were the ones who truly gave the care. I have come out of this experience a new woman who knows what the true meaning of life is: to love others. I have been humbled and grown in patience. I want to advocate for those who have who need advocating for.

I will always look for ways to commemorate their impact on me. I am getting married this September. I will be honoring my grandparents and their handprints on my heart.

2 years, too long.

Yesterday marked two years that my grandmother has been with the Lord. It seems like so long ago and so short at the same time.

I visited her grave yesterday and watched videos of us together. She was on my mind so much. I wish I could have one more conversation with her. Just one more, to tell her about the plans I have for my life. The plans to marry a wonderful man in 6 months. The plans to have a “In Memory Of” table at the wedding in her and my grandfather’s honor. The plans to have children soon after (Lord willing) and tell them all about how amazing their mommy’s grandparents were. The plans to pass down sweet sayings we shared to them.

Since times have changed and life keeps moving quickly, I will choose to live a beautiful life as they would want for me. Life lasts but for a moment, but memories never die.

Comparison & Pain

I admit, I have felt pangs of jealousy before. When I was a caregiver, I felt it often in the hospital. It seemed my grandparents and I were in the emergency room often. This is when jealousy flooded: “Why am I the only one my age I know in the position? I wish I could be out having fun this weekend instead of waiting on a prognosis”…so on and so forth.  Of course I never voiced how I felt because of the guilt for thinking such thoughts.

For some young adults, we can feel like we’re missing out on the shining milestones of life. This is especially true for young caregivers. It’s hard to not go into a dark place when we see people our age glistening in the sun. It is common to compare our lives to others; yet, it is a thief of peace. Comparison is a perception that our accomplishments are lesser value than the person next to us.

I would like to offer a few positive reframes that encourage us to focus on our own upward progression instead of what is happening in the lives of other people our age. I provide these points from a humble place as previous caregiver.

1) Pain in temporary.

What you are experiencing may feel like a lifetime of hardship, but it will not last forever. If you take notice, most difficult things in life are temporary. Pain is fleeting. When we choose to hold on to joy we are burning out the pain. In my profession I often see individuals who think there is no hope for a future which quickly leads to depressive thoughts. I remember feeling stuck often in my caregiving – that I would not get the same opportunities as my friends because this was my place in life. When we accept that a new season will come as we have patience and self-love, then we welcome the good into our lives.

2) You have a right to strive for more.

It’s easy to let fear or insecurity stop us in our tracks. Caregiving can easily exacerbate the everyday stress we face anyway, making goal attainment that much more difficult.  Nevertheless, you have every right to achieve your goals. There will be hardships and what feels like failures, but keep trying. Identify what contributes to any setbacks you have and explore ways to either avoid or work around such difficulties. Assertiveness works well here. Let others know what you need from them to help you get to where you need to be. Even if they do not assist you, at least you voiced your needs.

3) Caregiving is enriching.

Let’s reverse compare for a moment: As a young caregiver, what skills have you learned that some young adults do not own? For me, it was humility and patience. Through caregiving I learned the value of a human life and the importance of enjoying little, loving moments. I now have enormous gratitude for my hard-working elders. I see the importance of connectedness to others. I can advocate for proper medical care.

Caregiving is a responsibility bestowed upon the strongest for the purpose of uplifting another. See yourself through the eyes of the person you’re caring for. You are learning something through this that will strengthen you in the many seasons of your life to come. Now that is something to be jealous of!

-Brittany

 

Inspirational Caregiver Quotes

In the Eyes of a Young Adult Caregiver

I have some pretty great news that I feel blessed to share. I’ve been invited to blog for The Caregiver Space to lead the young adult caregiver portion of their site! If you don’t know much about this non-profit, please check them out and join their network. I was already a huge fan of their outpouring of support and education before even being contacted. What an honor.

Here is my first post I’ve submitted for approval on their site. I figured this was the best place to start. Please give me your feedback!

In the Eyes of a Young Adult Caregiver

Everyone’s caregiving journeys are different regardless of our age. However, being a young adult caregiver brings a unique set of challenges. The following are brief highlights from my experiences as a young caregiver.

1) Am I doing this right?

During graduate school, I maintained pretty good grades. I was fairly confident in my abilities to achieve and get my degree. I was learning something I was really passionate about which made it that much easier to do well.

When you’re a caregiver, you don’t get handed back an exam grade that says A+ for really good caretaking. I really could have used an exam to measure my efforts during this time though. For me, I often wondered if I was doing enough. I chose to become a caregiver because I saw a need, like most in this role have seen. I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others in general through social work and chose to start at home.

My amazing, witty, beautiful grandmother was diagnosed late 2012 with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. My heart broke and my head spun. Head spinning breeds anxiety. My self-questioning looked a little something like:

What do I need to do? Should I talk to my boss about this? Should I go part-time? How can I comfort her best? Does she really want my help? Did I really just hear the word cancer?

It was in the moments of laughter and quiet times with my grandmother that I found the most peace. It was easier to push the insecurities away when she had good days, when we both had good days.

2) How do I balance?

True for all caregivers and especially young adults, we are trying to find a sense of normalcy in the everyday. Our pace is fast and we’re driven to succeed in school/the workplace. Being a caregiver while trying to make your mark in life is not easy, to say the least.

I became a caregiver suddenly at the age of 24, the same time I started working my first full-time job. I remember feeling that I had two full-time jobs, both exhausting and difficult. There were many days of work I missed in caretaking, which led me to have anxiety about my job security.

Many young caregivers are in school. Grades and attendance are often impacted hard. Luckily for me, my caregiving started when my college days were over. Whether its work or school, many young caregivers have irons in the fire already before their caregiving days begin. There were many days for me when something was sacrificed.

3) I’d like to get off this emotional rollercoaster now, please.

I could write a book, I tell you. (Perhaps I will in the future). I mentioned the anxiety fueled by insecurities and self-defeating thoughts. The emotions didn’t stop there. I often felt guilty for not being there for my grandmother as she needed because of work. Many days I sat in my office and bawled in sheer exhaustion and frustration. I was also very resentful toward family that I felt didn’t see a need to share the caretaking duties. I felt dumped on, and again, guilty for feeling this way. On the other hand, I sometimes wanted to be left alone.

Caretaking involved myriad emotions because you’re giving so much to yourself and don’t know what outcome this will bring. You’re taking a walk out on faith.

4) I’m learning about myself through this.

In all of the emotions and grief, I discovered some things about myself. I’m a tough cookie. I learned that even though I’m a young adult, I have a lot to offer the world. As a young adult caregiver, I have a lot of insight to offer the world about caregiving.

I gave a lot of myself to my grandmother, but the rewards were tenfold. She gave me the ability to love with all of myself and to develop patience for others. I didn’t see it this way during my caregiving because I was still on my emotional rollercoaster, but now that I’m off, I see how great a blessing this experience was for my personal development.

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Please also keep Ray Ferrer in your thoughts and prayers. He recently discovered a baseball sized tumor on his brain. His wife is now full-time caretaker as they go through this journey together. If you click on his name, you can visit his WordPress site and purchase his AMAZING spray-paint art to help offset their mounting medical expenses. 

God bless,

Brittany

You Led The Way For Me

You led the way for me, to lead the way for you

You’ve shown me just how strong I could be in my caring for two

You gave me purpose, wisdom, and life anew

Once impatient and self-concerned, I calmly wait for each day through

You led me to who I am to be, a life in brighter hue

You led the way for me, to lead the way for you

-Brittany

Lemon Pound Cakes & Mindfulness

This post doesn’t have a recipe attached. It’s about my dear deceased grandmother.

My grandma loved lemon pound cakes…I mean, loved them.

 I remember one Sunday I went grocery shopping and picked one up for her, thinking she might like it. I remember she cut a slice and savored each bite. She ate slowly and smiled time to time saying how yummy it was. She wasn’t thinking about the chemo treatments, the radiation, the pain…just focused on enjoyed a little slice of heaven. It soon became customary for me to buy her lemon pound cake each Sunday for her to enjoy those evenings.

She looked forward to these moments because they gave her joy, something we tend to miss when we’re living in the past or waiting for the future.

When we live in the present moment, it frees us of bondage.

Easier said than done though, right? Speaking for myself, mindfulness is something I have to practice every. single. day.

Mindfulness is being fully present in the moment. Letting our thoughts come and go like a visitor…still being ever focused on the here and now.

Research shows enormous benefits of mindfulness to our health and wellbeing.

A way to start being mindful is to practice awareness of our thoughts. When we notice what we are thinking in terms of past, present, or future…….we gain control of what we think.

We can then practice letting go of certain thoughts and choosing to focus on the present, regardless of our circumstances.

As a caregiver, it was easy to get wrapped up in what has already happened and what is yet to happen. For me, my thoughts read a little something like this:

“I have to get my grandma’s medicine before the pharmacy closes.  Will I have time to cook when I get off work? Will she even have an appetite? Dang it, I forgot to submit payment for the hospital bill. I’m so exhausted….” And on, and on, and on.

This is not to say that those thoughts aren’t realistic, because they can be… Planning helps us get places and accomplish things. It’s just, every now and then, we can do ourselves a favor when we allow ourselves to just be free from worry for a moment. We form a deeper connection to ourselves when we savor a favorite dessert or notice the texture of a beautiful rose.

Take some time tonight to practice mindfulness by noticing your thoughts without judgment. Throw yourself completely into a moment. You just may come out of it feeling more self-aware and self-assured.

More info. on mindfulness and it’s benefits can be found at: http://www.helpguide.org/harvard/benefits-of-mindfulness.htm

&

Mindful

Take care friends,

Brittany

What’s your Perspective? What’s your Takeaway?

What I know about feelings is that we are free to feel whatever we need, in fact it’s quite healthy. But when we consistently drown in these feelings it becomes traumatic. Trauma is never a good thing.

What we think leads to how we feel and how we feel leads to action.

Choosing to take a perspective shift is difficult when it’s so much easier to own the negative feelings. The resentment for being a young adult who feels they are putting their goals on hold. The anxiety in not knowing if we are organized enough, helping enough, skilled enough.

When we think as positive as possible, we feel more peace. When we practice this it is then that we can be better helpers to those in need.

My takeaway as a caregiver is this: I gave love and received  love. Lots and lots of love.

I gave fully of myself. I did my best. Even on the days when I felt I wasn’t enough,

I did my best.

It’s amazing what can happen in our lives when we take control of our thinking. I read a devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries that asked, will you let the problems define you, or refine you? It resonated with me. We have a choice in happiness even when there is weight.

Choose to be your biggest advocate instead of your greatest enemy. It is essential that we take care of our minds to fully take care of others.

• So I ask you friends, what is your takeaway/perspective shift as a caregiver?
• Is there a mantra or verse that keeps you going?

Please share with us!

Brittany

Caregiver Resource Packets

Just wanted to share a little resource to help you survive, maybe even thrive, in the caregiver journey. Several caregiver sites offer “survival kits” and “toolboxes” for caregivers. I really wish I would have used one when I was a full-time caregiver, I believe it could have helped me organize and make a little more sense of my daily duties.

John Muir Health offers a free printable PDF packet with several checklists and information about related topics.

Other sites with great tools for your toolbox include the Caregiver Action Network and the VA.

Click the names of these great sites and you’re off to make your own survival kit!

Take care,

Brittany

Moving & Special Memories

As a caregiver, there are a plethora of not-so-great things we can look back on and think “Thank God I got through that…what a terrible time“.

Since we’ve just wrapped up the holidays, I’d love to know what memories you will carry with you. Maybe it was a funny joke you’re loved one told or simply enjoying the moment of bringing in a new year, a fresh start.

One of my most memorable experiences from this season was kind of a memory within a memory (not trying to get all Inception on you). I was trying to make my fiancé’s house seem more homey by hanging up some pictures since his walls are pretty bare. I went to Target to print some photos from my phone to include pictures of his family and mine in this big collage frame I have. I printed pictures of his nieces and nephews, his family and mine, and was sure to include my grandparents I cared for in their own special spot. Standing there at the kiosk printing these pictures brought back so many memories. It was hard not to focus on the fact that this is my first Christmas without my grandfather, and second without my grandmother.

One of my favorite memories with my grandma was singing “In Christ Alone”. If you haven’t heard it, just Google it and read the lyrics…it’s incredibly moving and powerful. I start remembering this while I’m there and I had to hold it together…how awkward would it have been for me to be a weepy mess while printing pictures at Target. I get all my pictures I want and head to the car, and guess which song is playing as I turn on the radio? Yep, “In Christ Alone”.

I then softly said, “Merry Christmas Grandma…I love you…Tell Grandpa I said I love him too”. To me, that is a very special moment, like they wanted to show me that they are ever present still.

What moved you this holiday season? You likely felt overwhelmed or exhausted at some point or more, but I’m hoping that something stands out to you that proves it is all worth it.

Please share!

Happy Blessed & Prosperous New Year,

Brittany