Comparison & Pain

I admit, I have felt pangs of jealousy before. When I was a caregiver, I felt it often in the hospital. It seemed my grandparents and I were in the emergency room often. This is when jealousy flooded: “Why am I the only one my age I know in the position? I wish I could be out having fun this weekend instead of waiting on a prognosis”…so on and so forth.  Of course I never voiced how I felt because of the guilt for thinking such thoughts.

For some young adults, we can feel like we’re missing out on the shining milestones of life. This is especially true for young caregivers. It’s hard to not go into a dark place when we see people our age glistening in the sun. It is common to compare our lives to others; yet, it is a thief of peace. Comparison is a perception that our accomplishments are lesser value than the person next to us.

I would like to offer a few positive reframes that encourage us to focus on our own upward progression instead of what is happening in the lives of other people our age. I provide these points from a humble place as previous caregiver.

1) Pain in temporary.

What you are experiencing may feel like a lifetime of hardship, but it will not last forever. If you take notice, most difficult things in life are temporary. Pain is fleeting. When we choose to hold on to joy we are burning out the pain. In my profession I often see individuals who think there is no hope for a future which quickly leads to depressive thoughts. I remember feeling stuck often in my caregiving – that I would not get the same opportunities as my friends because this was my place in life. When we accept that a new season will come as we have patience and self-love, then we welcome the good into our lives.

2) You have a right to strive for more.

It’s easy to let fear or insecurity stop us in our tracks. Caregiving can easily exacerbate the everyday stress we face anyway, making goal attainment that much more difficult.  Nevertheless, you have every right to achieve your goals. There will be hardships and what feels like failures, but keep trying. Identify what contributes to any setbacks you have and explore ways to either avoid or work around such difficulties. Assertiveness works well here. Let others know what you need from them to help you get to where you need to be. Even if they do not assist you, at least you voiced your needs.

3) Caregiving is enriching.

Let’s reverse compare for a moment: As a young caregiver, what skills have you learned that some young adults do not own? For me, it was humility and patience. Through caregiving I learned the value of a human life and the importance of enjoying little, loving moments. I now have enormous gratitude for my hard-working elders. I see the importance of connectedness to others. I can advocate for proper medical care.

Caregiving is a responsibility bestowed upon the strongest for the purpose of uplifting another. See yourself through the eyes of the person you’re caring for. You are learning something through this that will strengthen you in the many seasons of your life to come. Now that is something to be jealous of!

-Brittany

 

Inspirational Caregiver Quotes

What’s your Perspective? What’s your Takeaway?

What I know about feelings is that we are free to feel whatever we need, in fact it’s quite healthy. But when we consistently drown in these feelings it becomes traumatic. Trauma is never a good thing.

What we think leads to how we feel and how we feel leads to action.

Choosing to take a perspective shift is difficult when it’s so much easier to own the negative feelings. The resentment for being a young adult who feels they are putting their goals on hold. The anxiety in not knowing if we are organized enough, helping enough, skilled enough.

When we think as positive as possible, we feel more peace. When we practice this it is then that we can be better helpers to those in need.

My takeaway as a caregiver is this: I gave love and received  love. Lots and lots of love.

I gave fully of myself. I did my best. Even on the days when I felt I wasn’t enough,

I did my best.

It’s amazing what can happen in our lives when we take control of our thinking. I read a devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries that asked, will you let the problems define you, or refine you? It resonated with me. We have a choice in happiness even when there is weight.

Choose to be your biggest advocate instead of your greatest enemy. It is essential that we take care of our minds to fully take care of others.

• So I ask you friends, what is your takeaway/perspective shift as a caregiver?
• Is there a mantra or verse that keeps you going?

Please share with us!

Brittany

Caregiver Resource Packets

Just wanted to share a little resource to help you survive, maybe even thrive, in the caregiver journey. Several caregiver sites offer “survival kits” and “toolboxes” for caregivers. I really wish I would have used one when I was a full-time caregiver, I believe it could have helped me organize and make a little more sense of my daily duties.

John Muir Health offers a free printable PDF packet with several checklists and information about related topics.

Other sites with great tools for your toolbox include the Caregiver Action Network and the VA.

Click the names of these great sites and you’re off to make your own survival kit!

Take care,

Brittany

Welcome to The Young Adult Caregiver!

Hello!

Thank you for stopping in. I hope this post finds you well! If you are a young adult who is caregiving for another individual I want you to foremost know, this blog is for you. You are not alone. As a young adult caregiving for my elderly grandparents, I often felt like the outlier in the world. As if no one knew the struggles I experienced on the day-to-day nor did I feel worthy of speaking about it. I remember the envy I felt when seeing my friends come and go as they please, and then the immediate guilt for feeling that way. As you know, having “Mixed Emotions” is an understatement in this population.

If you are a caregiver of any age, I also welcome you to this blog. I plan to tailor posts toward younger adults (early twenties to mid thirties crowd), however strongly believe all ages will find use and support here too. All caregivers go through hardships and need TLC. This is the place to get it. My dream for this blog is that it connects you with others who are in similar situations and exudes the importance of self-care. I want you to find this blog as your safe space. Vent as you need, discuss all you want, and please share what you have found useful.

I want to provide a little information about my caregiving experiences…

For several years, I spent my early twenties (fresh out of grad school, mind you) caregiving my grandparents. It was something I didn’t see coming or a responsibility that I was competent enough to fulfill. I moved in with my grandparents two months into my graduate program due to financial stressors and needing a sound home space to concentrate on school. Little did I know my plan had at least a two-fold purpose: graduate from school and to serve in the caregiving role.

My grandmother was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung cancer and oral cancer in August of 2012. It rattled me. Funny enough I was planning to move out on my own around the same time as I had just starting working full-time post-graduation. From there the trips to the doctor began. The first experience in the chemo room is something like no other. I sat with her and prayed with her. I tried to be supportive in the most ways I knew how, however often over-compensating for my insecurities and incidentally taking away my grandmother’s autonomy. (Can we talk about balancing control in another post?). Most days I felt lost. Many days I felt anxious. Am I doing enough? Am I saying the right things? What do I need to ask the doctor? What happens next? All the while I am trying to figure out who I am as an individual and find my place in life. It’s hard to process your feelings when you’ve been handed the news that someone you love with all your heart is sick- really, really sick.

In March of 2013, 7 months later, my grandmother passed in inpatient hospice. I felt heartbroken. Looking back, I can see how God was there with me through all the big and small moments…but it sure didn’t feel like it at the time. As a result, my grandfather became a widower. He was in his early eighties at the time. I remember my grandmother worrying about how he would survive after she was gone. I began caring for him in small ways: grocery shopping, going to doctor appointments, picking up medicines, picking up dinner (I’m not much of a cook…), etc. I then felt it was time to leave the nest and moved into my own house with some friends. I continued to visit my grandfather at least once weekly to spend time with him, run errands, help clean house.

Just three months ago, my grandfather passed away. He had randomly hemorrhaged on the brain and I found him lying in the living room floor one afternoon when I left work to check on him due to him not answering his phone. It was quite traumatic. A flooding of insecurity hit me: I should have done more. I shouldn’t have moved out. I should have been there when it happened. I didn’t do enough. Honestly, even though logically this is distorted, unhelpful thinking, it is still something I struggle with today. (Let’s also talk about grief in all it’s glory, shall we?).

So, even though my caregiving days for now have ended due to a series of quite unfortunate events, I still have caregivers and the work of caregiving in my heart. I want to connect with you and vise versa. Interestingly, I find myself missing caregiving quite a lot. When someone allows you to care for them, it is actually a gift. They are entrusting you with their care and their needs. They are giving you a new purpose. Again, totally understandable if we don’t see it that way all the time.

To wrap up, please comment with some topics that we young caregivers can discuss. Share with me your story. I would love to hear from you and learn of your unique gifts as  a caregiver.

All my love,

Brittany